Who will win the Grand National today?
Tired of tips about how to clean your gutter or alternative uses for baking soda?
Today’s tip is of National importance, as we’re giving you the lowdown on how to ensure you’re still screaming at the TV screen as they turn for the final straight at Aintree in the Big One.
AND THEY’RE OFF! And you’re off the sofa and inching towards the TV trying to catch sight of the flashing violet of the jockey in charge of your tenner.
And they’re all over the first. But what is that horse doing veering all the way over there? And what is he doing but carry carrying your pick's colours.
A few fall at the next. Two more tumble at the third.
The commentator must have mentioned every horse in the race but he hasn’t uttered yours yet. And now he’s handing over to the next commentator. Just mention him for God’s sake... just say his bloody name!
And you’re looking for the newspaper to make sure you didn’t get the colours wrong. Why are all the leaders in green and gold? Should I have backed one of JP’s horses — sure they always win? Is that your fella holding up the rear? Or is that more a mauve colour?
They are just not going to mention him. If that’s him — and he seems to be gaining a bit of ground — these commentators must have hatched a plan not to acknowledge his participation. I bet they do that every year: choose one horse not to name during the whole race once he’s not in serious contention. And you pick that horse every year...
He’s mentioned him finally.
“We seem to have lost him.” Well, his jockey disappeared at the last fence, but he’s still running. The horse, not the jockey. He’s actually running faster now. That bloody jockey must have been useless — look how good he is without him.
He’s hit the front... could the jockey remount on the second circuit? Is that allowed?
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Ever wonder why the most difficult race of the year to predict is also the one with the most money staked on it? The Grand National is a Lottery (the name of the first winner of the race in 1839), yet it is quite easy to feel personally slighted when your horse appears to give you less than a run for your money.
The National allows everyone to become a mug, not just those who pore over the racing papers day in, day out.
A survey has shown that one of the reasons more people don’t have a flutter is because they don’t know what to do or understand the rules. We are here to help.
There are two rules:
● Give the bookie money
● Wave goodbye to your money.
Grand National day is one when Joe Public joins regular bettors and briefly understands their pain. Anyone who bets has to be one of life’s sufferers, for fate always conspires with diabolical perversity to deprive them of their rightful gain.
Yet the National is not the shot in the dark many think. You may not always pick the winner, but a brief study of the form can usually rule out half the field.
But who has the time or patience to study form?
The shrewd bettor will instead always follow the odds.
Those Grand National odds explained:
500-1: Two men in a pantomime horse costume have hoodwinked the public yet again.
250-1: If the commentator did know the name of your horse before the race began, he doesn’t anymore.
200-1: Your horse will win the race, but only in the likelihood of it being declared void afterwards.
150-1: This horse will, sadly, get caught up in the starting tape.
100-1: In an amazing pile-up at one of the fences, all the horses fall. Except yours! He falls at the next.
66-1: Your horse will be kidnapped by climate protestors somewhere between the sixth fence and The Chair.
33-1: At a significant point in the race — the first fence — the jockey on your horse will make a leap for freedom.
25-1: Neither the horse nor jockey’s fault. The stable boy did not secure the saddle correctly around the horse’s midriff, resulting in an impossible ride that ends when the pilot slides off approaching Becher’s Brook.
16-1: Not exactly fancied, yet not exactly an outsider. But definitely a faller at the third fence.
10-1: Ah, the easiest price to figure. You put down 10, you get back 100. You put down 500, you get back nothing. Will lose this one at a canter.
9-1 or under: The winner will come from one of these nags. Probably. Or one of those at a bigger price might win. Who knows?
Here’s what I do, something I guess a lot of you do:
I take a biro in my hand, close my eyes, open the paper and stab.
I remove the pen from my thigh, then stab again.
The result: At 4pm on Saturday I will be shouting at Shark Hanlon’s former King George and American Grand National winner Hewick, currently priced at 12/1.
